Hands Off the Coral…and the Wreck, and the Sand, and the Fish… Seriously.
I was guiding a group on a dive to one of the classic wooden wrecks in the St. Lawrence — beautiful structure, 1800s schooner, basically underwater archaeology with fins.
One of the divers was newly certified and had that look: a mix of wonder and unearned confidence. You know the type. Everything’s going smoothly until I turn around and see him… knocking on the side of the wreck like he’s ordering room service.
At first, I thought maybe he dropped something and was signaling. Nope. He was just… knocking. Curious.
I signal “What are you doing?!” and he gives me the universal hand sign for… well, absolutely nothing useful. Then he pulls out his slate and writes:
“Seeing if it sounds hollow.”
Hollow?! It’s a 150-year-old wooden boat held together by soggy hope and zebra mussels! I swear I saw a chunk of wood slough off like it decided it had served long enough.
Back on the boat, I told him politely, through clenched teeth, that historic wrecks aren’t percussion instruments. He nodded solemnly and said:
“Got it, no knocking. Is tapping ok?”
I nearly back rolled into the river out of spite.
What NOT to Do:
Don’t touch coral, ever. It’s alive, fragile, and slower-growing than your Wi-Fi in a submarine.
Don’t lay on the bottom. It stirs up silt, ruins visibility, and turns you into a grumpy stingray’s Airbnb guest
Don’t grab shipwrecks. That WWII freighter isn’t a jungle gym. Wooden wrecks disintegrate quicker when they are continually being mauled by divers. Also, tetanus is not included in your dive package.
Don’t pet sea creatures. They’re not at a petting zoo, and they didn’t sign the waiver.
🐙 Pro Tip from the Angry Octopus:
“If it’s not yours and it wiggles, stings, crumbles, bites, or hosts plankton, don’t touch it. Keep your hands to yourself like you’re in a museum full of lasers.”
Ever seen a diver treat the reef like a massage chair?
Drop your “worst underwater touching moment” in the comments, or confess if it was you (we won’t tell… but the ocean might).
Share this post with your dive buddy who “just wanted to see if that sponge was squishy.”
